▪  I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

▪  Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

▪  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

▪  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

▪  The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

▪  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

▪  If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

▪  We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

▪  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

▪  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

▪  The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

▪  Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

▪  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

▪  A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

▪  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

▪  Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

▪  Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

▪  I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

▪  A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

▪  Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

▪  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

▪  I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

▪  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

▪  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

▪  Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

▪  Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

▪  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

▪  You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

▪  The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

▪  Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

▪  A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

▪  Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

▪  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

▪  I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

▪  Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

▪  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

▪  I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

▪  When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

▪  You're never too old to learn something stupid.

▪  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

▪  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

▪  Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

▪  A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

▪  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.