▪ I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
▪ Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
▪ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
▪ Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
▪ The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
▪ Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
▪ If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
▪ We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
▪ War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
▪ Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
▪ The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
▪ Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
▪ To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
▪ A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
▪ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
▪ Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
▪ Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
▪ I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
▪ A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
▪ Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
▪ I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
▪ I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
▪ Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
▪ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
▪ Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
▪ Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
▪ A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
▪ You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
▪ The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
▪ Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
▪ A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
▪ Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
▪ Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
▪ I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
▪ Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
▪ I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
▪ I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
▪ When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
▪ You're never too old to learn something stupid.
▪ To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
▪ Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
▪ Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
▪ A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
▪ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.